Funny Quotes about Living Life

There are good days and there are bad days, and this is one of them. - Lawrence Welk
In life, it's not who you know that's important, it's how your wife found out. - Joey Adams
I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens. - Woody Allen
All the world's a stage and most of us are desperately unrehearsed. - Sean O'Casey
I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land. - Jon Stewart
Once you can accept the universe as matter expanding into nothing that is something, wearing stripes with plaid comes easy.” Albert Einstein

Life Quotes from Comedians

Here are some funny quotes about living life from various comedians: George Carlin, Mark Twain, Charles M. Schulz, and Grouch Marx.

Honesty may be the best policy, but it’s important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.
If a man smiles all the time, he’s probably selling something that doesn’t work.
The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life.

Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first.
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don’t want, drink what you don’t like, and do what you’d rather not.

Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse.
Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?
The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made.

Just when you think there's light at the end of the tunnel, you discover it's an on-coming train.
When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep — not screaming, like the passengers in his car.
Never do anything that you wouldn't want to explain to the paramedics.

Murphy’s law states that "Anything that can go wrong, will go wrong". Here are some funny quotes about living life that prove that:

Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint on it and he'll have to touch it to be sure.
Smile . . . tomorrow will be worse.
Nothing is as easy as it looks.
Everything takes longer than you think.
A paint drip will always find the hole in the newspaper and land on the carpet underneath.
No good deed goes unpunished - Mark Twain
If it seems too good to be true, it probably is.
All the good ones are taken.
If it doesn't fit, force it... If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway.
The lighter the rug the more apt a dropped peanut butter & jelly sandwich will land face down.
The first escalator you find is always going the wrong way.
Never teach a pig to sing. It wastes your time and annoys the pig.
You will always find something in the last place you look.